turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
