I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
