I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
