I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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