Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
