ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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