I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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