My Higher Power is John Stamos
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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