i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
