Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
