Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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