Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
