I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
