Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
