now i know why i became what i already was.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
