I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
why do cheetos always look like penises
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
