Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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