Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
