It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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