no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
