i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
