thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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