Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
