Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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