Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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