I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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