I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
