you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
