I CAN MOONWALK!
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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