is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
