i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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