i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
