I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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