I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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