Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
