Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
