i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
