fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
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