Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
