You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
