Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
