so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
