dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
