i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
