every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
