Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
