Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
