My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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