Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
