You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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