how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
