I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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