Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
