I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
